When God Says "Not Yet."

Waiting With the What Ifs

My biopsy is at 8:30 in the morning. I decided to write this the night before and I’ll either title it “Benign” or “Cancer” once I get the results. (Keep reading). I’ve had almost a month to sit hand-in-hand with the “what if” of possibly having breast cancer. Not exactly a hand I’ve ever wanted to hold, and I’ve thought often how many other women have held the same hand and maybe how many have wished they’d had someone else to hold their hand in the waiting.

I’ve been leading a Bible study the last three weeks entitled “Wait.” God’s always right on time, isn’t He? Even in the waiting. One thing I’m learning is how waiting well doesn’t always sit well, but God’s right there in it with us, regardless. I’m glad He’s been holding my hand. I’m glad I’ve had thirty-three days straight in His word - a record in my forty-six years - and what a good time to finally take hold, Mer.

When I went back in for a second mammogram, I fully expected to leave there with a “false alarm.” That’s the high stat you hear about. But then I was sitting next to the doctor who showed me the radiograph and said a lot of words that I didn’t understand, except for “indeterminate” and “needle biopsy.” He asked if I had any other questions, and I stumbled over my tongue and said, “So, you’re sure you’re not sure?” or something ridiculous like that. Then the nurse took me out in the hall to wait for the scheduling person. When she turned around and I looked at her, the tears came, and they wouldn’t stop. I felt numb and dumb. She held my arm, tried to soothe me and led me to a cold blue chair that didn’t feel like a hug at all. I looked at the floor mostly, and tried to smile at others passing by. I wondered if the older lady that went in before me got good or bad or “indeterminate” news. I wondered how many people came through here every day and got shuffled around with words that make no sense and news that threw their life out of orbit, if even for a little while.

One word can change everything. So can the Word.

I’ve been reading about the heroes of our faith, as the writer of Hebrews called them. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joshua. Moses and the Israelites. I can relate to so many of their struggles. Their lack of faith, their doubts, their fears. And the lesser ones - especially Hagar - when she felt seen by God, so did I.

God’s word has breathed life into me these last few weeks. I honestly don’t know how I would have waited so well without it. I honestly don’t know how I’ve lived so long without eating it daily.

I’m not saying I haven’t been anxious. I’ve had moments. My mind has gone down all the roads…How would we pay for it? Is there a price on your health? I’d never forfeit my kid’s inheritance because I got cancer. I could die in a plane crash this week. Then it wouldn’t matter anyway. Well, if I do have cancer, it would be early stage. I could get a mastectomy and then hopefully it wouldn’t come back. What about lymph nodes? I’ve always thought I would get breast cancer, since it runs in both sides of my family. Sure thought it would be my heart that gave up first, though. Even if it’s benign this time, it probably won’t be next time. Even if I have it, it’s not a death sentence. Even if it is, I’m ok with death. Yeah, I’ve had some thoughts.

In the past few weeks, I’ve read over fifteen Psalms. I’ve seen David on the mountaintops and in the pit, and I’ve related. His faith has become my faith. Not because of what He went through but because He’s reminded me of what I’ve tasted and seen of God myself. All the times He’s seen me through to the other side. I know my Redeemer lives and He’s never let me down. He can’t. It’s not in His character. It’s not who He is.

I know no matter what the title of this post becomes, I’m no less held by my God.

I know no matter what, I’m no less loved by my God.

I know no matter what, He will make me well. Here or in Heaven.

I know no matter what, He will provide.

I know no matter what, He will protect.

I know no matter what, He will give me peace that makes no sense.

I know no matter what, God is with me and with Him is the only place I want to be.

Forever and ever, amen.

*****

It’s now the morning of my biopsy and I’m back home. Sometimes, doctors have to regroup, which means we have to regroup. I get to see a surgeon and have a full biopsy now. Some time, but not yet. And I trust this is the way The Way wants this to go.

When God says “not yet,” we get to choose how we wait.

So, I’ll keep leaning in and leaning on Him. I don’t know a better option, because I know the I Am and He is the only option.

I think I’ll hit publish and put this in the world sooner than I had planned. Because my plans never fail to fail, but His plans never do. I can’t help but think someone else is in the waiting and needs to know they aren’t alone. If just one reads this and feels encouraged, I wrote it for just one. And maybe the one was me.

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