It’s the day after Mother’s Day. There’s a knot in my stomach and tears on my cheeks because sometimes it’s the day after when the tide washes up what you thought had made its way out to sea. I suppose this is what I get for verbalizing a couple of days ago that this year I didn’t feel as emotional as I have in years past. And then grief called my bluff, because it always will.
I can’t blame today’s blues on lack of sleep. By 8:30pm last night I couldn’t keep my eyes open and as of 6:15 this morning my sleep tracker revealed almost nine hours of rest. A recent record and a great gift for the end of what was, for all intents and purposes, a great Mother’s Day. My family remembered me with flowers, a beautiful gift of a framed hymn my Granny sang to me repeatedly, ”Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…,” movie time on the couch, then supper I didn’t have to cook and ice cream to round out the day. So why the gut-wrench now?
Rain is coming, and evidently a lot of it. So, I’ve denoted a solid inside workday to catch up on what a busy preceding week of farming left behind. Before digging into the mile-high list of “reminders” I scratched out on my phone to do, I took a walk with the dogs. We all needed the fresh air and leg stretches ahead of the impending storm. But inside, it felt like the storm was already stirring.
With each crunch of the gravel beneath my feet, I began to unwind my thoughts and lift them up and out. “What is this? I don’t like this feeling. Help me, God.” Sometimes the long and short of it is a few short words, a long time coming. It felt good to get it out, but I won’t tell you there was immediate relief, because there wasn’t. That’s not always how this works.
When I got back to my crib (that’s code for my office, which was an old corn crib), I decided to shuffle through my growing library of Bible studies I’ve yet to do and landed on one entitled, “It Is Well: Walking Away from Anxiety and Into God’s Word.” Truthfully, I haven’t wanted to label this feeling as “anxiety,” but I guess there’s no use calling a spade anything other than a spade. So, I dug in. The first day’s reading was Psalm 34 - no coincidence, a Psalm I’ve been going back to time and again for months. More tears. Words of comfort. Still a knot in my stomach.
Then, the study’s last question for the day centered on something other than a specific scripture. Instead, it asked this: “How might preaching the gospel to yourself bring you peace in moments of anxiety?” Hmm. How might reciting the entirety of the gospel dispel what troubles me? What troubles you?
How might remembering that all the troubles we face and the despair we feel were never meant to be? That this was not God’s original plan. Adam and Eve were created perfect in a perfect place in perfect communion with a perfect God.
But sin.
Sin rolled in and subsequently rolled out destruction the likes of which the first of creation could have never imagined, and the world’s been reeling ever since.
But God.
In His mercy, He made a way back to Himself, back to eternity with Him, through Jesus.
This is not the end-all, be-all. Not for those who put their trust in Christ.
“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!" So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Well said, Paul. Thank you for your word, God! What a gift. What a reminder.
Yesterday marked the twenty-third year without my mom here for Mother’s Day and also happened to be her birthday. I’ve been grieving her absence more in the past few months than at any time in the last twenty-three years and I think yesterday tied that grief up in a big knot that no amount of sleep could undo.
And there’s more. There’s more pain and worry and grief and stress over more things, adding to the knot. But today I’m reminded and will keep reminding myself, this knot is NOT the end.
The rain is falling now. Coming down in sheets, hard and fast, tapering to slow and steady. This will be the pattern for the duration of the storm. As in life. This side of Heaven, the storms may let up for a time, but they’ll always return. Because we’re not home yet. But home is waiting. There’s a place being prepared and one day the sky will open up and our Rescuer will return to make it all right again. We just need hang on to Hope and His name is Jesus. Thank you, God, this is not all there is.
Find my favorite Bible studies HERE and my favorite Bibles HERE (several designs!)
I to was having a bad day. In 2 weeks we will bury my husband’s ashes. There is so much to do. My sons comfort me and said we will get it done. I believe it is anxiety so still crying I opened my email and yours was first. Meredith what you wrote put me at ease and remembered trust in God he is where our strength comes from. Thank you so much for sharing your emotions they were the same as mine.❤️🙏🏻
I started this same Bible Study today.. I don't like labeling my anxiety either, but it was time to give it to God and let him take the lead.