Eight weeks of the heaviest weight of waiting I’ve known in forty-six years is over. I prayed last week that no matter what the outcome, God would allow me to carry the call well. Because whether the call was positive or negative, I wanted to receive it with the same grace He’s given me in the in-between. All the what-ifs hanging on threads of what now have been severed and left with no weight after the call.
I saw “Radiology” on my phone screen and knew I needed to answer, but hesitated to hit receive. Standing on the edge of a cancer cliff, not knowing if you’re about to be pushed over or pulled away, is its own degree of ignorant bliss.
“Tell me your birthdate and I can give you some great news about your biopsy,” the nurse said. I fumbled out “ten-twenty-two-seventy-eight” as fast as I could and the tears started falling as she said, “No cancer.” No cancer. Praise God, no cancer. Deep exhale. More tears. No cancer. Two words carrying the weight of the world. The weight of my world. A weight I didn’t want to carry, but felt at peace with just the same.
Maybe it sounds smug to say that. To think that if I’d gotten bad news instead of good, that I’d still be “ok” with it. But I’m not who I was eight months ago, let alone eight weeks ago. God’s done - is doing - a work in me. A work I know is still in infancy, but praise God, in the works just the same. And because I know God has been good in every good and bad thing that’s ever happened in my life, I know He always will be. To know Him is to know no less.
Two weeks ago I went in for a biopsy that wasn’t able to be completed. In the aftermath, I was left reeling between doctors’ offices who couldn’t get on the same page, having to be my own advocate, make calls and ask questions I didn’t even know how to ask. The frustration was palpable and I know I didn’t always carry it well. But I also know God used these last two weeks to bring me from impatience to peace. And trust you me, that was nothing but a divine demonstration of the Holy Spirit.
I went into this last biopsy without the fear or nervousness I had going into the first. But God didn’t stop there. The doctor told me there would be a bad sting, I felt none. She told me I’d probably need meds a few days for the pain, I took two Tylenol only once. She told me I’d probably be black and blue for a week, and I’ve yet to see one bruise. I’m claiming all of this as answer to prayer - both mine and those who have prayed on my behalf.
Would God be less good if I’d had difficulty with the procedure? No.
Would God be less good if I’d heard, “You have cancer.”? No.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know Who holds it. And I know that these eight weeks have served a purpose, because in all things God is working good for His people. While my waiting for this one thing may be over, there are other things for which I’m still waiting. Things more near and dear to me than any body part of mine.
In the end, it’s not so much about the final say, as it is all the moments strung between. Moment by precious moment of learning to surrender each breath, care, and struggle to the God who can make the weight of waiting not just bearable, but beautiful.
I've been praying for you daily since I read about your waiting period for the biopsy results. Writing your name down in my prayer journal next to my prayers for my husband, my grandkids, my kids--the closest people in my life. I was absolutely taken by surprise at my reaction to your good news. Tears began to fall for a woman I've never met, but when you pray for someone, you have a connection that is on a spiritual realm. God is so good to us. He has taught you so much and you have been so generous to share it with all of us. Thank you for shining your light, especially in the hard times so the rest of us don't feel so alone in the struggle. Praising God with you!!!!
Praise God! So happy to hear of your good results and more importantly, the lessons learned. I’m clinging to your story as inspiration during my own season of waiting. If I were closer, I’d bring coffee and cookies and sing a few hymns with you. 💜